Getting Better When You're Bitter

Introduction

"Pursue peace with all people, and holiness, without which no one will see the Lord: looking carefully lest anyone fall short of the grace of God; lest any root of bitterness springing up cause trouble, and by this many become defiled..."(Hebrews 12:14-15, NKJV).

Of all the human emotions, the one that I feel is the most to be feared is bitterness. Bitterness is a cruel cancer that will devour you from the inside out. It is a disease that will contaminate you. It is a discomfort that will constrain you. It is a detonation that will compress you.

One day, two monks were walking through the countryside. They were on their way to another village to help bring in the crops. As they walked, they spied an old woman sitting at the edge of a river. She was upset because there was no bridge, and she could not get across on her own. The first monk kindly offered, "We will carry you across if you would like." "Thank you," she said gratefully, accepting their help. So the two men joined hands, lifted her between them, and carried her across the river. When they got to the other side, they set her down, and she went on her way. After they had walked another mile or so, the second monk began to complain. "Look at my clothes," he said. "They are filthy from carrying that woman across the river. And my back still hurts from lifting her. I can feel it getting stiff." The first monk just smiled and nodded his head. A few more miles up the road, the second monk griped again. "My back is hurting me so badly, and it is all because we had to carry that silly woman across the river! I cannot go any farther because of  the pain." The first monk looked down at his partner, now lying on the ground, moaning. "Have you wondered why I am not complaining?" he asked. "Your back hurts because you are still carrying the woman. But I set her down five miles ago."

That is what many of us are like in dealing with our bitterness. We are that second monk who cannot let go. We hold the pain of the past over the heads of those toward whom we are bitter like a club, or we remind them every once in a while, when we want to get the upper hand, of the burden we still carry because of something they did years ago. [15]

Perhaps many who are reading these pages are slaves in bondage to the master of bitterness. Some of you are bitter toward God because of a misfortune that happened in your life for which you hold Him responsible. Some of you are bitter toward others, such as a superior who unjustly fired you, a spouse who left you for someone else, a company partner who snuck out and left you holding the bag. Some of you are bitter toward parents, maybe because you were physically or sexually abused as a child. Some of you are bitter toward a father who never spent any quality time with you.

Many people get bitter toward the church and toward preachers of the gospel because of a regrettable experience that they had. They are bitter because somebody hurt their feelings. They are bitter because something did not go precisely as they would have pleased.

Bitterness is the end result of feeling that someone has done us wrong. I would define bitterness this way: Bitterness is secluded sullenness secured in the soul. At the root of all conflict, whether it be a church fight or a world war, is bitterness. In my opinion there is not a more perilous emotion than the emotion of bitterness.

Bitterness is like a vile tumor that will eventually turn a healthy human into a cold carcass if it is not removed, and the sooner the better.

I. Determine The Root of Bitterness

The author of Hebrews writes in Hebrews 12:15, "Looking diligently lest anyone fall short of the grace of God; lest any root of bitterness springing up cause trouble, and by this many become defiled." Bitterness is depicted as a root. A root is something that is below the surface, unseen by the         eye, but nevertheless existent. It is a deep root because although it is not far from the surface, it extends deep into the soil. Likewise the root of bitterness, while never distant from the surface of one's lips, extends deep into the soil of ones heart.

The root of bitterness requires very little soil, needs very little cultivation, is very swift to grow, but very tough to remove. It is so simple to plant the seed of bitterness, but so stressful to weed it out.

We get bitter for essentially one of three reasons. First of all, because of what is said about us. Secondly, because of what is done to us. Thirdly, because of what is taken from us. It is remarkable how Jesus dealt with all three of these problems in the Sermon on the Mount.

With regard to what is said about us, Jesus said, "Blessed are you when they revile and persecute you, and say all kinds of evil against you falsely for My sake. Rejoice and be exceedingly glad, for great is your reward in heaven, for so they persecuted the prophets who were before you" (Matthew 5:11-12, NKJV). If anyone has ever said anything that was wrong about you, congratulations, you are in great company. They did the same thing to the prophets. They did the same thing to Jesus. They are going to do the same thing to you.

Then in relation to the wrong that is done to us, Jesus said, "You have heard that it was said, 'An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth.' But I tell you not to resist an evil person. But whoever slaps you on your right cheek, turn the other to him also" (Matthew 5:38-39, NKJV). What Jesus was expressing was, it is not what happens to you that is important, but how you respond to it that actually matters to God.

Finally, regarding what is taken from us, Jesus said in Matthew 5:40, "If anyone wants to sue you and take away your tunic, let him have your cloak also." The truth that Jesus was seeking to convey was this: It Is More Noble To Be Wronged, Than It Is To Do Wrong. When someone does you wrong - and they will in due time - you have two options: you can get bitter, or you can get better. By the way, these are the only two options that you have, and you will choose one or the other.

II. Discover The Fruit of Bitterness

We are specifically cautioned in Hebrews 12:15 that if a root of bitterness does spring up, it "causes trouble." A bitter root always produces bitter fruit. There is no obsession within the human heart that promises so much and pays so little as bitterness.

A. It Consumes The Mind

As the root of bitterness grows, you will discover that it takes up more and more of the soil of your heart. It is like a plant we are familiar with in the south called kudzu. Kudzu is an Asian leguminous vine that grows like wildfire and invades everything in its path. Likewise, bitterness will attract you like a magnet and consume you. You will find that your mind is drawn time and again to that person toward whom you are bitter.

A Readers Digest article once described how a rattlesnake, if cornered, will sometimes become so angry it will bite itself. That is exactly what the harboring of hate and resentment against others is: a biting of oneself. We think that we are harming others in holding this spite and hate, but the deeper harm is to ourselves. [16]

B. It Crushes The Spirit

Bitterness is repressive. If you will closely observe, you will discover there are no happy bitter people. Pessimism criticism, negativism, and cynicism are the attributes of a bitter person. Bitterness will discourage you and depress you, and even get you to the place where you cannot even routinely function.

Armand M. Nicholi, M.D., professor of psychiatry at Harvard Medical School, explains that Sigmund Freud died at the age of 83, a bitter and disillusioned man. Tragically, this Viennese physician, one of the most influential thinkers of our time, had little compassion for the common person. Freud wrote in 1918, "I have found little that is good about human beings on the whole. In my experience most of them are trash, no matter whether they publicly subscribe to this or that ethical doctrine or to none at all." Freud died friendless. It is confirmed that he had broken with each of his followers. The end was indignant.

Just as with Sigmund Freud, bitterness will obstruct the "joy juices" that God intends to flow through your heart, mind, soul, and body. However, you can undeniably break and batter this resentment with the hammer of forgiveness. Jesus said in Matthew 6:14-15, "For if you forgive men their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive men their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses."

C. It Cripples The Body

The human body was not designed to nurse bitterness and carry grudges. Just recently CNN reported that scientific tests have concluded that bitterness causes mental problems, cancers, and chronic conditions. Someone has well stated, "No matter how long you nurse a grudge, it won't get better." Bitterness is a disease of the soul that turns into literal poison and infects the body with sickness.

Let me share with you something that I have certainly realized about bitterness. The bitter person harms no one more than themselves. Think about the oyster for a moment. It takes a grain of sand and turns it into a beautiful pearl. However, too often we are just the opposite - we take pearls and turn them into grains of sand. In essence, we end up doing more damage to ourselves than to the person toward whom our bitterness is directed.

• Bitterness will destroy your worship.

You cannot pray with assurance. You cannot praise with delight. You cannot preach with authority if you are bitter toward someone else.

• Bitterness will damage your work.

You cannot serve God when the bile of bitterness is gushing through your veins. It will defile your witness. It will trash your testimony. It will close the lips of a soul-winner.

III. Defeat The Pursuit of Bitterness

Keep in mind that a root is something that is underground. If you want to eliminate it, you have to target it. You have to find it, dig it up, and get rid of it.

Every day our bodies purify themselves of detrimental toxins through the processes of waste elimination. If these toxins were allowed to mount up, they would cause us to become ill and they would ultimately kill us. If we want to remain spiritually and mentally healthy, we must eliminate those toxins that come to the mind, and the heart. Acts 8:23 mentions the "poison of bitterness." It also is a poison that, if permitted to mount up, will eventually kill you spiritually, mentally, and emotionally, if not physically. So that raises the question: How do you rip up and root out the root of bitterness?

A. Forget The Problem

Whatever initiated the problem that brought bitterness into your life must be forgotten. The Apostle Paul wrote in Ephesians 4:31, "Let all bitterness, wrath, anger, clamor, and evil speaking be put away from you, with all malice." The word "put away" means to get rid of, to remove, to eliminate.

If you are going to get rid of the bitterness from your life, the very first thing you have got to do is get this "get even" feeling out of your heart and life. You have got to bury that problem in an unmarked grave.

There was a man who once went to see his doctor, and said, "Doc, you've got to help me." The doctor said, "Well, what's wrong?" The man said, "I'm suffering from amnesia. What should I do about it?" The doctor said, "Just go home and forget about it."

That was wonderful advice. Because it is not enough just to get rid of the root, you have got to essentially forget the problem.

B. Forgive The Person

If you don't forgive the person, we are told in Hebrews 12:15 that you will "fall short of the grace of God." Now that does not imply that you lose your salvation. However, it means rather that you are not living out your life according to the grace of God that is inside you. You are, in essence, falling short of God's grace-goal for your life. In reality, that is what grace is all about: forgiving others who have done you wrong. Perhaps you are thinking to yourself, "I just don't know if I can forgive this person or not." Just remember that you can if you have been to the foot of the cross.

Paul went on to say in Ephesians 4:32, "And be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, just as God in Christ also forgave you." That is the solution. You have got to forgive others even as God has forgiven you. It doesn't matter how dirty you have been done. No one has ever been treated dirtier than the Lord Jesus Christ. As a matter of fact, "Good Friday" was not so "good" to Him. Nevertheless, even as He was dying on that cross for your sins and mine, He uttered the words, "Father, forgive them for they know not what they do."

If you cannot find forgiveness in your heart for that person toward whom you are bitter, I recommend that you go back to the foot of the cross and linger for a little while. The great preacher of days gone by, Charles Haddon Spurgeon, said, "Let us go to Calvary to learn how we may be forgiven, and then let us linger there to learn how to forgive."

You must forgive that person who has mistreated you. You must forgive them liberally - that is, whether they ask for it or not. You must forgive them lovingly. You can't just restrict your bitterness. You've got to forgive that person fully, and then you've got to forgive that person finally. That is, you must humbly forgive that person for all time.

C. Forsake The Practice

It is not enough merely to forgive and forget. Hebrews 12:14 prompts us to "Pursue peace with all men, and holiness, without which no one will see the Lord." The word pursue means "to go after in an assertive fashion." In other words, we are to aggressively pursue peace. That is, we are to take the lead to end the war, tear down the defenses, rebuild the bridges, and restore the relationship.

If you do not have joy, happiness, peace, contentment, and fulfillment because of what someone has done to you, it is not because they took those things away from you. You willingly handed them over. Now I have to admit, you cannot control what happens to you. But you can control what happens in you. You cannot control how someone acts toward you. But you can control how you react toward others.

In pursuing the peace that forgiveness brings, you are bringing happiness, contentment, and fulfillment to yourself and making yourself right with the Lord.

______________________________________________________

[15] Dr. Anthony T. Evans, "Guiding Your Family in a Misguided World," (Charlotte: Billy Graham Evangelistic Association, 1995).

[16] E. Stanley Jones, "Readers Digest" (December 1981).